Can I do Life in a Chair Forever?

The amazing Push Girls

Push Girls has been a completely inspiring television show. I have watched about half of the season thus far and have really enjoyed the real issues they address that are very real for those living in a chair day to day. Unfortunately my cable company doesn't carry Sundance Channel so originally I was watching the episodes on my favorite free T.V. website but since I am going to be spending about 10 hours traveling on Saturday I figured I may as well download the season off of iTunes. Plus the whole season was only 12 bucks, can't beat that! Yesterday I was super bored and decided to watch an episode or two and of course it turned into watching 4. haha. However I am so glad that I decide to watch them at home first because I cried the entire time. Mostly tears of seeing these girls embark on issues that have plagued my life for the past 6 years. One particular episode really touched me and got me all worked up. 

Coincidently the name of the episode is called "Fired Up". The girls touched on the real issues of stem cell research and the want to walk again. Quick catch up there are 4 main girls on the show all in their 30s I believe and all have been in their chairs for at least 10 years. Three are paraplegic which means they have function of their hands and one is a quadriplegic meaning she has very limited use of her hands and arms. Then there is another girl who is 19 years old and has only been in her chair for about 2ish years. This girl brings a whole different perspective of what life in a chair is in the beginning. My hat goes off to her for being brave enough to share such hard years with the whole nation! Back to my point there is a moment where they are all having lunch and talking with Chelsie (the younger girl) about how she is adjusting to life and how therapy is going for her. And she has a moment of complete honesty about how much she hates her chair, how badly she wants to walk again and just how unfair the whole situation is. At this point I start sobbing because it was just such a relatable break down. I can't tell you how many times I have said those exact words she was saying. So then the issue of stem cell surgery comes up and of course Chelsie says she would do it in a heart beat and some of the other girls say they would prefer not to do stem cell for different reasons. You will have to watch the episode to get the full emotion of the episode, link HERE!

The whole point of this is I wanted to share my views on stem cell and how I feel about being in this chair. I will tackle stem cell first.

Most are very confused on where the embryonic stem cells come from. So here is it scientist are not standing outside abortion clinics or asking pregnant women to abort their embryos, they are actually embryos that are from invitro fertilization clinics. The embryos are donated from couples who have "left over" embryos from their treatment and if they are not donated the embryos would be thrown out as medical waste. I know this may not sit well with many different people's morals but personally I am fine with it. If what otherwise would have been a "thrown away embryo" could help make my friends or myself walk again, not to mention the possibilities it has for cancers, parkisons, organ transplants, and Alzheimers, I say hell yeah lets do it! But there are also scientists that are out there working on alternative stem cells such as umbilical cord blood stem cells, which looks very promising as well. I honestly don't care how they find the cure, just as long as they do. I don't want anymore people to suffer the way I have and some many others I have come to love have. 

Now with that being said, the issue of walking. One of the girls says that she does everything she wants to do in a chair and doesn't need to ever walk again. Kudos to her for feeling that way and I honestly think she does but there are some many complications that come with life in a chair that I am just not going to be happy to deal with for the rest of my life. The girls all believe that as a person in a chair we need to become accepting of life in the chair and not living on "hope". I totally agree with them and at some point Chelsie will come to accept it more than she ever thought she would, because I know I never thought I would be as content as I am. But that doesn't mean the second the FDA says there is a cure and people are walking that I am not going to be right in line for it. Because it is more than walking again, it is being healthy again and not feeling limited again. 

I can't tell you how many times I have just wanted to stand up and hug a loved one, or being at a softball game and feeling that hole in my heart screaming to play again. I have accepted my life in a chair for now. I am hopefully for the future but I am not depending on it. I can say that I will have a normal life in the chair or not and nobody can tell the future. My only concern is my health. There are some many little health complications that become such huge problems when you live life from a wheelchair. I have been in my chair for 6 short years (they feel like a lifetime but in reality it hasn't been long) and I already have such severe osteoporosis that I am on a daily injection to fix the problem, I have to see a shoulder surgeon next month because my left shoulder was destroyed in the accident and I never had the chance to fix it but now I am worried if I don't fix it I will be in serious trouble in the future since I so heavily depend on my shoulders, I am in constant fear of getting a blood clot, always having to look out for UTIs and pressure sores, and not to mention any time I get sick or have a belly ache I get scared that something is seriously wrong because I can't feel half of my body. I am only 23 years old and I am worrying about things women in their late 50s are worried about health wise. That is why I so badly want a cure to come for paralysis. Not for any vain reasons but to be free from amplified health risks of life in a wheelchair. I love my life, God has been good to me and blessed me in ways I never thought possible but to say I wouldn't change being in a chair tomorrow would be lying to myself and everyone else.

Just some food for thought :)

Disclaimer: although I talked about a lot of health risks and kinda made it seem like I have poor health. Overall I am in great health just little issues popping up every now and then, that more annoying than anything. So nobody go jumping to conclusions. 

Learning How to Finally get Out of my Own Way!

Athlete: noun

a person trained or gifted in exercises or contests involving physical agility, stamina, or strength; a participant in a sport, exercise, or game requiring physical skill. 

At the age of 17 my whole world revolved around being an athlete. Although I wasn't playing any organized sports for Whitmer (that is a whole different post subject), I still extremely enjoyed doing physical activity. I was on a co-ed softball team, an all girls softball team, taught sports at the local YMCA, and lifted weights once or twice a week. Our whole family life was centered around physical activity. So when the accident happened it was more than just adjusting to a new life but also completely redefining who I was. At first I never thought I would ever be able to do athletics again. For obvious reasons it wasn't the focus of my attention at first, that is redefining my athletic self. I was more focused on living and not to mention to loads of drama that was a daily battle. Although, the last couple of years my competitive heart has been screaming for it's turn of attention. In other words I couldn't ignore the little voice in the back of mind begging for physical activity anymore. Sure I was in therapy and that helped ease the torture of not being able to play the sports I used to the way I used to. 

I know there is a whole world of wheelchair sports and that they are just as exhilarating as able bodied sports. I have always been open to trying them or at least I thought I was until a few years ago. Somehow trying wheelchair sports had become this ugly thing of fear. I had pushed it off for years because I was busy dealing with other problems that by the time I realized how much I missed sports I had this road block of fear. All of the sudden I didn't want to try wheelchair basketball in fear of being "bad", I didn't handcycle because it wasn't as easy as riding a bike was, and I hadn't gone to the gym (without a trainer) because I was a afraid of making a fool of myself. So I continued to put off any part of physical activity outside of therapy. Claiming that I was just to busy but really I just didn't want to put the effort into healing that part of my heart. It felt like suffering in silence about it was easier. Well for those who have ever had to address heart issues like these you will know that for 1. your heart will never let you get away with ignoring it and 2. God will allow you to avoid it for so long before causing a perfect setting of gently forcing you into facing the issue. And I can safely say God and my heart gave me a swift kick in the ass last April on no longer avoiding my athletic self. 

As some may remember April is when I stopped going to therapy. Which now meant I was doing zero physical activity besides wheeling myself around. I let myself sink into a bit of depression and began to eat whatever I wanted. After a month I started riding my handcycle around the bike trail and was really enjoying it but it was causing some serious shoulder problems. So I was forced to stop riding. Also wasn't till recently I noticed that I have gained some weight. This made me face the one thing I was putting off. It was time for me to get my tush back into the gym. I can never say I loved going to the gym but I did love the feeling after a great workout. So with the support of my mom I put my big girl pants on and went to the gym. And guess what?! I didn't make a fool of myself, no one laughed at me, and none of the catastrophic events I assumed would happen when I wheeled back into the gym. It was just like before, I was just another person on a mission for health. 

I have been back at for about 2 weeks now and although there has been some growing pains of figuring out what exercising in a chair is like. Like trying to balance not lifting too much weight (and bulking up, not ideal for a girl), plus not wanting to working out my arms every single day. It is slowly working out and I really am happy that I finally got myself back to myself a little more since the accident.

For those who are curious. This is where I am working out and they have accessible equipment!

Quickly my point is to anyone who is struggling with putting themselves out there/being true to who they are. I know this example is small but it is a lesson I have had to learn over and over again since being paralyzed. Very few times can I say that I got burned putting myself out there, even though if I was burned it was still an experience that I learned and grew from. Don't be afraid to fail because even in failure there is still a lesson to be learned. Whether we want to learn that lesson or not. And I can say most times I have been dragged through a lesson kicking and screaming but it was always for the better.