As some may know this tomorrow will mark the 6 year anniversary of the car accident and Saturday will be the anniversary of Charlie's death. I had originally planned on writing a blog the day of but I made a decision this year to not allow myself to shut the world off, like I do, and do something that day. So I will be busy but I still want to post on the feelings that seem to take over me this time of year. It feels like it starts almost a week before the anniversary. I just become sad, usually I can't pin point it to anything , just sad. Then come the tears, oh Lord I can cry so easily the days before. Like my cat could look at me funny and I would sob. It seems like no matter how prepared I feel about the days to come, they still get me. Not to mention I begin to think 6 (or however long it has been) years ago right now I could still walk or 6 years ago right now I still had my best friend here. I believe these thoughts are what make the days a little more difficult. I know that throughout the year I always have sad moments but these days are different, these days carry unbearable pain with them. It is so hard to think about the battle I had to embark on because of the events on these days.
For some reason I thought this year would be different since I made a choice to stay active but I think they will be just as tough and I know this week has been pretty horrible. I have had all the normal nightmares night after night of losing the ones I love or being abandoned by them. The type of nightmares that you wake up feeling bad and that ominous feeling carries with you all day. I still have hope the days will be okay because this year I am trying to celebrate the life that I have now and the life that Charlie led. Even though it was short it is still inspiring. I am sure those days I will feel the pain of my hole in my heart but still have a smile to know I can finally say after 6 years I am a survivor and no longer fighting to survive. And for that I have to thank that red headed angel who has never left my side.
Okay I have to go do some crying now.. not bad crying but good crying.
