Thursday, June 27, 2013

Vegas Pool Time

VEGASSSS!!!!!! What an amazing time was had by all. Now, I am NOT going to go into detail about the whole trip but I wanted to share a small story of the weekend. It was one of those "wheelchair moments" that sneak up and catch you by surprise. With that being said on with the story....

So we stayed at The Flamingo, which was a pretty accessible hotel (minus the thick carpet) and is HUGE! Like most places the accessible ramps take some searching to find, but overall I was pleased with my access to everything. On Saturday we went to the pool to catch some rays. First I had to take this ramp up to the smaller pool that was super over grown and felt like I was going to be raped (my dramatic girl brain at work). Once we made it into the pool we decided to claim our chairs. But we couldn't find the ramp down to the actual pool part. After being bumped up and down (which means the girl carried my up and down three steps) the stairs a few times one of the life guards showed me to the ramp to get to the actual pool. It is was completely hidden and I needed to be escorted by an employee who knew the codes for the security gates. Which that isn't a big deal because I am used to having to deal with being taken in or out in a super secret path. So after a few hours, making new awesome friends and cocktails in the pool it was time for me to use the restroom which I had to go up the longest/secret ramp to get to there. I asked the lifeguard to let me through the gates. She let me through the first gate and I couldn't remember the exact way but before I remembered the second gate the lifeguard had disappeared. I was in this courtyard area and no one in the pool area could see me because the fencing was all covered. I reached in to my wristlet for my cell but I had left it on my lounge chair. I started getting frustrated, so I decided to set out to get back to the front of the pool. I was mad that I was going to have to wheel around in just my suit and back to the front entrance of the pool. Well as I began to look for a way out I quickly realized the only way down was stairs... my heart sank. I was in a courtyard surrounded by fencing and stairs and no way to contact my girls. I had to take a second to gather myself and figure out how to get myself out of this situation because really even if the girls figured out I was missing they would have no clue where to find me. I was 24 years old and trapped like a child. I was incredibly scared and frustrated that I was in this position. I should be able to go to the bathroom without an escort. I wanted to throw myself on the ground screaming and crying. After what felt like an hour I noticed a building I could get into and hoped someone was in there to help. Thank the good lord there was a girl working and she was able to let me back into the pool area. By this time I was about to pee my pants and I had to scoot into the restroom. Did my business and returned to the party only to find out I was gone for a long time and my sister had gone looking for me. We found each other and continued on with the party. I didn't let the moment ruin my fun and quickly forgot about the bull shit. The time at the pool ended up being the best time of the whole trip.




I am not writing this looking for pity but to be able to show you all just how frustrating this life is. My daily life is filled with moments like what happened at the pool. It is incredibly hard to be an adult and know that there are times when I can't be alone or be completely independent. There are times when I just want to be able to do whatever I want or be carefree but I am always quickly reminded that the wheelchair removes all possibility of being carefree. It is a hard life but this life allows me to never take the good times for granted.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Is it Possible to Heal a Broken Heart..

Well here we are June again... I cannot believe that I am only a few short days away from my 7th anniversary of the accident. I know to most 7 years doesn't seem like a lot but let my tell you there were many days I laid in my hospital bed convinced I wouldn't survive one more day without my legs or my best friend. But somehow I am still living and living well (yet another thing I never expected). It has been an incredibly long journey of searching for happiness, searching to feel whole again, and searching to make it "right". While I am still searching for all of the above and it will be a life long search because I feel that is a journey every single human is on. However, I have wanted to share for a few months where I am in my journey. I didn't know how to put it to words and not sure I have figured it out yet either. But why not give it a shot....

I think that I am finally able to say that after a so long I am no longer completely heartbroken. I am not saying that I am not still sad or have my days where I am heartbroken but I no longer feel like am drowning in sorrow. I don't feel that constant pain, whether it was front in center in my mind or looming in the back waiting to take me by surprise. I think that my heart had healed months ago but I didn't notice it until about a month ago. I was driving and a song came on the radio which usually broke my heart every time I heard it and caused me to sob. Music has always had a way of bringing forth emotion (generally emotions I try to hide). But this time I didn't cry when I heard the song, it didn't make me feel like I was suffocating in pain. It took my by surprise and made me cry. Not sad tears but tears of joy because I have worked so hard to get to this point. Cried my fair share of tears and done countless hours of soul searching, it has finally paid off.

Clearly my journey isn't over, I am not a complete human or free of any pain or sadness but I think I can say that I have mostly closed that chapter of my life. Like I said I will always have my days where it feels like I am still dying from the pain but I am fairly confident in saying most days I am happy and not consumed by the injustices I endured at 17. I am hopeful that some someday I will be able to completely close the chapter after a few final issues are resolved but those require more than just me working to fix things.

So I share this to give all those out there suffering from a broken heart that is it possible to put the pieces together. It is NOT easy and incredibly painful. I didn't enjoy the process and there were many times that I would give up and drown in my suffering but each time I knew God had a better plan for me and would never leave me in the pain without a path out. Don't be afraid to do the work, don't be afraid to confront those demons because every time God will be there to hold your hand (whether it silently or obviously).Don't feel like you have to do the work alone because I did not. I had a few very good friends and two amazing counselors who helped me work through it all. I also want to point out that I do not have a perfect relationship with God I am still working on putting my faith back in him but no matter how angry I was with him he has always proved he is faithful.

For those interested here is "the song"