Vacation!!

Well everyone I am heading out on vacation here in the next few days for a nice long trip to sunny Arizona. And I thought I would get in a quick entry before I leave. I am not completely sure when I will be able to get another one in. So I figures I would just tell a pretty hilarious story that happened to me while shopping last week. Yep everyone it is a fantastic wheelchair story.

So my mom sister and I decided to go up to Great Lakes Crossing for some outlet fun. Mind you this was all of ours first time going. Towards the end of the day my sister wanted to look at earrings. So we are looking and of course a sales lady is following us around pointing out different ones. And when she walked up my mom and sister were sitting down in the chairs they had out. She was pointing out some earrings and said to us now you need to stand up and look over the earrings so you can really get the effect. Mom and sister stand up look and of course I just sit there. The lady repeats herself you really have to stand up and look at it. She says it three more times before she looks right at me and says you need to stand up and look at it. I didn't know how to break the news to her that it was an impossible task she was requesting and before I could think of something to spare her feelings my sister pipes up. Saying she can't stand. That is when the lady looks over and sees the wheelchair. I am sure she was completely embarrassed but she played it off better than I have ever seen she says " Oh my gosh I didn't see the chair  and I am sorry, but I was thinking in my head why isn't this girl listening to me! She really needs to stand her ass up." She came around and showed me the earrings and we all got a good laugh. This is definitely one of those awesome wheelchair moments that give me a good laugh.

Off to do more packing! I will keep you all updated on how the trip goes :)

Light Bulb

A light bulb, a very common simple household appliance. It is never noticed until the day it burns out. In that case you just run down to the hardware store grab a new one, go home unscrew the dead one and quickly replace it with the new. Seems like a simple enough task. This is one of the many mindless tasks that some many people think nothing about and quite frankly think of more as a hassle than anything else. But for me replacing a light bulb is near impossible. Being in this chair all I can do is sit and look at the burnt out bulb wondering how can I replace this. The simplest way is to call someone and have them do it for me, but no one can ever know how much I hate having to do that. So I sit and think of solutions of how I can do this simple little task. Because I so badly want to feel like an independent person again. I want to know that if it came do to it I could I really survive if I had no one.

 After some creative thinking I grab the grabber(one of the best inventions ever), some tape and pray it will work. Placing a piece of tape on each side of the claws of the grabber, I get a firm grip on the bulb begin to attempt to screw the bulb in but realize I can't put the force needed, adjust my hands and drop the bulb. About twenty attempts later I finally get the bulb in place but now it won't work. Figures. Few more attempts and more broken bulbs I finally get so frustrated I start to cry and scream because all I want to do is screw in a light bulb for crying out loud and it shouldn't be so hard! But it is and now here I am in my bathroom crying because of all the pain I feel from sitting in this chair everyday has over taken my body. I swear at god asking why do I have to go through this?! Why can't I just do this one simple dumb task like I could just 5 short years ago?! Then come the heavier questions like will this ever get easier? Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? Because at that very moment I don't feel like I can survive a life in a chair forever. Twenty minutes go by of tears and raw pain and I pull myself together knowing this is a small moment in my life. I have overcome so much and I can't let a small thing like a light bulb break my spirit.

Even though I can usually fight through these moments that seem to happen everyday, just not always with such an intense emotional reaction, it doesn't make them any easier to experience. I want so badly to see a task in front of me and be able to accomplish it. No matter how small the task is. Now I know there is some way that I can accomplish every failed task I attempt. But it is just so damn frustrating that I even have to problem solve with every little thing.

Hopefully most of you have caught on by now (at least I hope you have) this isn't about not being able to screw in a light bulb this is about feel like a helpless individual. Feeling so dependent all the time is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially for me being/wanting to be an independent person. Knowing that there will be moments where I just need help is what makes living is this chair so hard. I used to be able to look at anything in front of me and have the complete confidence I could accomplish it, but now I  am always questioning can I actually do it? And I have to accept there will be times the answer is no. I guess what don't kill us makes us stronger and by my life experiences I must be one tough cookie because there have been countless times I have thought I am never going to survive this.

What I hope you can take away from this blog is never again taking your independence (no matter how much or how little) for granted. I don't, the independence I have I treasure. Please don't feel bad for me, because I have a great life, it is harder than I would like sometimes but I know for a fact I am not alone in that battle.

Here we go...

For years I have wanted to start a blog but couldnt because of lawsuits, my own fears of it sucking and junk like that. Now I am free from it all after 5  years and think it is time to finally do what I think will help me heal and hopefully help others heal/grow as well. I have always said I had to go through all of this with no one to relate to (in the very beginning that is)and quickly found out that once I found people who understood my feelings it changed everything for me. So in all I just want this to be a blog where anyone can get some advice, validation, or a new understanding of whatever.

I guess I will start with how I came into all of this. I am going to assume for now most who read this know the details of my car accident, if not, maybe in another blog I will tell the whole story. For now I will just say the summer after my junior year myself and 4 friends where in a terrible car accident that killed my best friend and left me paralyzed from the waist down with pretty extensive internal injuries.  It was a journey that no 17 year old could be prepared for but yet there I was forced to face the reality of never walking again and everything I once knew would never be the same. It was a tough road and still is. I can tell you that it has been a crazy roller coaster over these past few years. But so far I have survived and can tell you I sit here a better, stronger person because of it all. Most of my entries will just be about my daily life, the obstacles I face, and just the process of healing I am still in.

In all I hope whoever reads this enjoys it and if it sucks please tell me. I don't want to embarrass myself.

Also this is a disclaimer I am going to be very honest and up front about things that go on in my life. So family or friends that may get offended by something I say just know I don't want to attack or hurt anyone, these are just my feelings. Or if I say anything that makes you uncomfortable I am sorry, this is who I am. My life is an open book and I believe people can't truly learn from me if I choose to hide aspects of my life. Well let's hope this goes well.. Fingers crossed.