Light Bulb

A light bulb, a very common simple household appliance. It is never noticed until the day it burns out. In that case you just run down to the hardware store grab a new one, go home unscrew the dead one and quickly replace it with the new. Seems like a simple enough task. This is one of the many mindless tasks that some many people think nothing about and quite frankly think of more as a hassle than anything else. But for me replacing a light bulb is near impossible. Being in this chair all I can do is sit and look at the burnt out bulb wondering how can I replace this. The simplest way is to call someone and have them do it for me, but no one can ever know how much I hate having to do that. So I sit and think of solutions of how I can do this simple little task. Because I so badly want to feel like an independent person again. I want to know that if it came do to it I could I really survive if I had no one.

 After some creative thinking I grab the grabber(one of the best inventions ever), some tape and pray it will work. Placing a piece of tape on each side of the claws of the grabber, I get a firm grip on the bulb begin to attempt to screw the bulb in but realize I can't put the force needed, adjust my hands and drop the bulb. About twenty attempts later I finally get the bulb in place but now it won't work. Figures. Few more attempts and more broken bulbs I finally get so frustrated I start to cry and scream because all I want to do is screw in a light bulb for crying out loud and it shouldn't be so hard! But it is and now here I am in my bathroom crying because of all the pain I feel from sitting in this chair everyday has over taken my body. I swear at god asking why do I have to go through this?! Why can't I just do this one simple dumb task like I could just 5 short years ago?! Then come the heavier questions like will this ever get easier? Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? Because at that very moment I don't feel like I can survive a life in a chair forever. Twenty minutes go by of tears and raw pain and I pull myself together knowing this is a small moment in my life. I have overcome so much and I can't let a small thing like a light bulb break my spirit.

Even though I can usually fight through these moments that seem to happen everyday, just not always with such an intense emotional reaction, it doesn't make them any easier to experience. I want so badly to see a task in front of me and be able to accomplish it. No matter how small the task is. Now I know there is some way that I can accomplish every failed task I attempt. But it is just so damn frustrating that I even have to problem solve with every little thing.

Hopefully most of you have caught on by now (at least I hope you have) this isn't about not being able to screw in a light bulb this is about feel like a helpless individual. Feeling so dependent all the time is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially for me being/wanting to be an independent person. Knowing that there will be moments where I just need help is what makes living is this chair so hard. I used to be able to look at anything in front of me and have the complete confidence I could accomplish it, but now I  am always questioning can I actually do it? And I have to accept there will be times the answer is no. I guess what don't kill us makes us stronger and by my life experiences I must be one tough cookie because there have been countless times I have thought I am never going to survive this.

What I hope you can take away from this blog is never again taking your independence (no matter how much or how little) for granted. I don't, the independence I have I treasure. Please don't feel bad for me, because I have a great life, it is harder than I would like sometimes but I know for a fact I am not alone in that battle.