Wedding Contest

Alright faithful followers I am need of your help. I know that some of you may not be on my facebook so I am going to give a quick update on a contest I am in. I have entered a picture of my fiancé and I into a Christmas give away. The contest is for a $250 gift certificate to the place I am purchasing my wedding gown from. As many know weddings are costly and this would help out a great deal.


So here is how to do it, Click on THIS LINK, then "LIKE" the photo of my hot fiancé dressed as Santa and myself (we are contestants #3, Stevie and Jared). Voting ends at mid night tonight. Thank you for the help. New blogs to come, promise

Wedding Dress Shopping... ugh.

I have wanted to write this post for a very long time but figured I should A. wait till I was engaged and B. wait till I had a wedding dress appointment. Well both have happened now. Which I actually wanted  to write before my appointment happened but life didn't allow it so I will write after the appointment. alright onward..

Wedding dresses, a thing all girls dream of their entire lives. That one dress that makes you a princess for the day. It is supposed to make you beautiful and everyone will have their breath taken away by how you look in it. And on and on... But to get the dress there is the almighty wedding dress shopping day, where you and your closest girls go out to find the gown! This obviously a very important day since there are television shows dedicated to girls wedding dress shopping (which I love, don't judge me!). I, like most girls, have dreamed of my engagement and wedding dress for as long as I can remember but after the accident I knew this whole process would be different. As much as I didn't want it to be different, I knew it would.

Ever since I realized Jared would be the "one" I started to worry about wedding dress shopping. Regular dress shopping is hard enough and often ends in tears of defeat, asking questions like "why me?" So I could only imagine what pain an emotional day like wedding dress shopping would be. An event that I shouldn't have to, once again, do from a wheelchair. After we got engaged the dress was the furtherest thing from my mind because I didn't want it to ruin the fun an engagement brings. But I was quickly brought back to reality when I went shopping with my cousin for her wedding dress and was informed I needed to get my dress ASAP. I guess they take forever to get in and it is better to have it sooner than later. I put my big girl pants on and made an appointment. For the next few weeks I barely even thought about the appointment because I just knew it was going to be horrible. I talked to a few of my girls who have done their weddings in a chair and they both said dress shopping wasn't as bad as it seems it would be. One even told me she bought the first dress she tried on just to avoid anymore shopping. So I just went into the appointment with this mindset of don't be picky and get it done.

I knew the style I wanted, but assumed it would look good standing up but horrid sitting down. Because sitting is the most unattractive position, in my opinion. The day finally arrived I had my mom and grandma the two woman who understand how hard this day was for me and would do nothing but comfort me, if there should be a meltdown. After a few hiccups, like the walker being way too short, we got the dress trying on started... and guess what?! It wasn't that bad, wasn't great but not bad. After trying on 4 dresses I stopped and picked the 3rd one I tried on. It was the style I loved and had everything I was looking for. It is has a very simple beauty. I always thought I would go for a blinged out dress but the simple elegance of this dress allowed my own beauty to shine. I couldn't have been more happy with the outcome and I am even more ready for my wedding day to be here!

So I guess this time I got taught a lesson by life, I need to stop making my wheelchair a bigger problem than it is. Yes, I will always have to do things differently but different isn't always bad. Don't get me wrong this chair causes all kinds of problems but it won't stop me from experiencing my life the way the big guy upstairs intended me to.

No pictures on this post! I want my dress to be a surprise to everyone :)

Being the Patient VS Watching a Patient

Life, it often happens at the most unexpected of times. Usually throwing you a big fat curve ball when things are going smooth. Almost a radical way of shaking you back in to reality, so not to forget what is truly important in life. Over 6 years ago my family got the worst phone that could have ever been made and had to rush to the hospital not knowing if I was going to live or not. And today when we got the phone call that my grandma had been in a bad car accident was being transported to the hospital, I knew what that night felt like for everyone. The fear and uncertainty consumes you as you rush to to the hospital hoping not to get the horrible news no one wants to hear but you can't help but let your mind float that way. The waiting and lack of compassion from many in the hospital doesn't make the situation much better.
Now as I sit here in the ICU watching my grandma be connected to every tube/machine imaginable, fighting to recover, I have come to the conclusion that being the patient and being the fighter is far more easy than watching a loved one fight. Most of the worst nights I cannot remember but watching the worst parts completely coherent is the most difficult pain a person can deal with. It is killing me knowing my grandma is in pain and there is not a thing I can do about it other than sit here and comfort her. I love my grandma more than anything. She has taught me so much in life that has molded who I am. And she is a fighter so I know she will make it out of this no problem but it is still hard to watch her have to fight.
Not sure what my point is here just needed to get my thoughts out before I drove myself crazy. I am guessing another side effect of being in this position...

Engaged in Maui!

My oh, my it has been too long since my last post and I hope that not everyone has lost interest in the romantic tale of my engagement. Well I will jump right to it.

Our story starts back in April when we decided the trip to Hawaii was definitely going to happen. Fast forward 5 months of waiting and it was finally time to board the plane to Maui! We took two flights over, with a layover in Phoenix. After 10 hours of travel we finally arrived in paradise on Saturday September 15th at about 3pm (their time 9pm our time). Found our way to the hotel and settled in for a few hours. Showered then headed down to Front St. which is the "downtown" area. I am telling this because this entire time Jared was extreme quiet and sort of short with me (found out later he was extremely nervous). Then I had no clue why he was acting this way but it wasn't making me happy. I thought he was going to be cranky the whole vacation, which would have been no fun. Anyways we got dinner and headed back to the hotel, we were absolutely exhausted. We hit the sack early and woke up extremely early! There is a 6 hour time difference. This meant that we woke up at 5:30am (11:30am), starting our day early. Jared went for a run, watched some football, ate breakfast at the resort, lounged at the pool for 2 hours, showered and were ready to adventure out all by 1pm. Jared wanted to look at the sights and since there was a coastal highway right near our hotel we just took it West to see where it would lead. This is where the story gets fun. We had a travel book with us and Jared kept telling me to find lookout points or waterfalls to see. Which would have been easy if I didn't get car sick if I just look at a book let alone trying to read anything. So we had o pull off the road a whole bunch to look at the sights (and allow myself to read). Finally we found a look out point that was supposed to be awesome at sunset and had a pretty light beacon.

From then on we were just driving and loving every second of it. The ocean water crashing on the cliffs was breath taking. Around 4:30pm we were getting close to the spot but weren't sure if we were going in the right direction. Jared kept asking me how far, if we were on the right street, how much longer. And I kept thinking your guess is as good as mine. I was getting slightly annoyed but now it makes sense why he was asking. Once we reached McGregor's Point it was sunset and it was just as pretty as the book describe. There were a couple other cars there but no people in sight. Jared got out to check out the terrain. Because most the lookout points were too dangerous for me to get out of the van I mostly stayed in and just looked out the windows (which was fine with me, I am not into rolling down cliffs). He came back and told me to get out, I was slightly confused because I could see all the sights just fine. But I did what he said, I thought maybe he wanted to show me something. I got out. Jared pushed me around the van and just stood behind me. I was a little confused again, I asked him if he was alright and he said "yes, I am just thinking about how happy you have made me these past 2 years. I made a joke about not buying him ice cream when we first met. We said some other things but I can't remember anymore (shock from the moment I guess). Next thing I know he is in front of me down on one knee asking me to marry him with this huge ring. I was in complete shock. Obviously I said yes and couldn't form sentences for at least 10 minutes. No tears just too much shock.

The view of where we got engaged :)

First photo as an engaged couple!

It was an incredible moment and I couldn't be happier with our moment. Not many girls get to say they not only have the man, ring, and engagement story of their dreams but I can. Well there it is, our engagement story. Completely unforgettable.

Update on the wedding planning: I am taking the GRE next week and haven't done much planning other than the super important things. We have set a date August 10th 2013, have our reception venue and our photographer. Picked out our enormous wedding party and colors. But that is all we have so far. Once this GRE is over the flood gates will be opened for my planning!

Can I do Life in a Chair Forever?

The amazing Push Girls

Push Girls has been a completely inspiring television show. I have watched about half of the season thus far and have really enjoyed the real issues they address that are very real for those living in a chair day to day. Unfortunately my cable company doesn't carry Sundance Channel so originally I was watching the episodes on my favorite free T.V. website but since I am going to be spending about 10 hours traveling on Saturday I figured I may as well download the season off of iTunes. Plus the whole season was only 12 bucks, can't beat that! Yesterday I was super bored and decided to watch an episode or two and of course it turned into watching 4. haha. However I am so glad that I decide to watch them at home first because I cried the entire time. Mostly tears of seeing these girls embark on issues that have plagued my life for the past 6 years. One particular episode really touched me and got me all worked up. 

Coincidently the name of the episode is called "Fired Up". The girls touched on the real issues of stem cell research and the want to walk again. Quick catch up there are 4 main girls on the show all in their 30s I believe and all have been in their chairs for at least 10 years. Three are paraplegic which means they have function of their hands and one is a quadriplegic meaning she has very limited use of her hands and arms. Then there is another girl who is 19 years old and has only been in her chair for about 2ish years. This girl brings a whole different perspective of what life in a chair is in the beginning. My hat goes off to her for being brave enough to share such hard years with the whole nation! Back to my point there is a moment where they are all having lunch and talking with Chelsie (the younger girl) about how she is adjusting to life and how therapy is going for her. And she has a moment of complete honesty about how much she hates her chair, how badly she wants to walk again and just how unfair the whole situation is. At this point I start sobbing because it was just such a relatable break down. I can't tell you how many times I have said those exact words she was saying. So then the issue of stem cell surgery comes up and of course Chelsie says she would do it in a heart beat and some of the other girls say they would prefer not to do stem cell for different reasons. You will have to watch the episode to get the full emotion of the episode, link HERE!

The whole point of this is I wanted to share my views on stem cell and how I feel about being in this chair. I will tackle stem cell first.

Most are very confused on where the embryonic stem cells come from. So here is it scientist are not standing outside abortion clinics or asking pregnant women to abort their embryos, they are actually embryos that are from invitro fertilization clinics. The embryos are donated from couples who have "left over" embryos from their treatment and if they are not donated the embryos would be thrown out as medical waste. I know this may not sit well with many different people's morals but personally I am fine with it. If what otherwise would have been a "thrown away embryo" could help make my friends or myself walk again, not to mention the possibilities it has for cancers, parkisons, organ transplants, and Alzheimers, I say hell yeah lets do it! But there are also scientists that are out there working on alternative stem cells such as umbilical cord blood stem cells, which looks very promising as well. I honestly don't care how they find the cure, just as long as they do. I don't want anymore people to suffer the way I have and some many others I have come to love have. 

Now with that being said, the issue of walking. One of the girls says that she does everything she wants to do in a chair and doesn't need to ever walk again. Kudos to her for feeling that way and I honestly think she does but there are some many complications that come with life in a chair that I am just not going to be happy to deal with for the rest of my life. The girls all believe that as a person in a chair we need to become accepting of life in the chair and not living on "hope". I totally agree with them and at some point Chelsie will come to accept it more than she ever thought she would, because I know I never thought I would be as content as I am. But that doesn't mean the second the FDA says there is a cure and people are walking that I am not going to be right in line for it. Because it is more than walking again, it is being healthy again and not feeling limited again. 

I can't tell you how many times I have just wanted to stand up and hug a loved one, or being at a softball game and feeling that hole in my heart screaming to play again. I have accepted my life in a chair for now. I am hopefully for the future but I am not depending on it. I can say that I will have a normal life in the chair or not and nobody can tell the future. My only concern is my health. There are some many little health complications that become such huge problems when you live life from a wheelchair. I have been in my chair for 6 short years (they feel like a lifetime but in reality it hasn't been long) and I already have such severe osteoporosis that I am on a daily injection to fix the problem, I have to see a shoulder surgeon next month because my left shoulder was destroyed in the accident and I never had the chance to fix it but now I am worried if I don't fix it I will be in serious trouble in the future since I so heavily depend on my shoulders, I am in constant fear of getting a blood clot, always having to look out for UTIs and pressure sores, and not to mention any time I get sick or have a belly ache I get scared that something is seriously wrong because I can't feel half of my body. I am only 23 years old and I am worrying about things women in their late 50s are worried about health wise. That is why I so badly want a cure to come for paralysis. Not for any vain reasons but to be free from amplified health risks of life in a wheelchair. I love my life, God has been good to me and blessed me in ways I never thought possible but to say I wouldn't change being in a chair tomorrow would be lying to myself and everyone else.

Just some food for thought :)

Disclaimer: although I talked about a lot of health risks and kinda made it seem like I have poor health. Overall I am in great health just little issues popping up every now and then, that more annoying than anything. So nobody go jumping to conclusions. 

Learning How to Finally get Out of my Own Way!

Athlete: noun

a person trained or gifted in exercises or contests involving physical agility, stamina, or strength; a participant in a sport, exercise, or game requiring physical skill. 

At the age of 17 my whole world revolved around being an athlete. Although I wasn't playing any organized sports for Whitmer (that is a whole different post subject), I still extremely enjoyed doing physical activity. I was on a co-ed softball team, an all girls softball team, taught sports at the local YMCA, and lifted weights once or twice a week. Our whole family life was centered around physical activity. So when the accident happened it was more than just adjusting to a new life but also completely redefining who I was. At first I never thought I would ever be able to do athletics again. For obvious reasons it wasn't the focus of my attention at first, that is redefining my athletic self. I was more focused on living and not to mention to loads of drama that was a daily battle. Although, the last couple of years my competitive heart has been screaming for it's turn of attention. In other words I couldn't ignore the little voice in the back of mind begging for physical activity anymore. Sure I was in therapy and that helped ease the torture of not being able to play the sports I used to the way I used to. 

I know there is a whole world of wheelchair sports and that they are just as exhilarating as able bodied sports. I have always been open to trying them or at least I thought I was until a few years ago. Somehow trying wheelchair sports had become this ugly thing of fear. I had pushed it off for years because I was busy dealing with other problems that by the time I realized how much I missed sports I had this road block of fear. All of the sudden I didn't want to try wheelchair basketball in fear of being "bad", I didn't handcycle because it wasn't as easy as riding a bike was, and I hadn't gone to the gym (without a trainer) because I was a afraid of making a fool of myself. So I continued to put off any part of physical activity outside of therapy. Claiming that I was just to busy but really I just didn't want to put the effort into healing that part of my heart. It felt like suffering in silence about it was easier. Well for those who have ever had to address heart issues like these you will know that for 1. your heart will never let you get away with ignoring it and 2. God will allow you to avoid it for so long before causing a perfect setting of gently forcing you into facing the issue. And I can safely say God and my heart gave me a swift kick in the ass last April on no longer avoiding my athletic self. 

As some may remember April is when I stopped going to therapy. Which now meant I was doing zero physical activity besides wheeling myself around. I let myself sink into a bit of depression and began to eat whatever I wanted. After a month I started riding my handcycle around the bike trail and was really enjoying it but it was causing some serious shoulder problems. So I was forced to stop riding. Also wasn't till recently I noticed that I have gained some weight. This made me face the one thing I was putting off. It was time for me to get my tush back into the gym. I can never say I loved going to the gym but I did love the feeling after a great workout. So with the support of my mom I put my big girl pants on and went to the gym. And guess what?! I didn't make a fool of myself, no one laughed at me, and none of the catastrophic events I assumed would happen when I wheeled back into the gym. It was just like before, I was just another person on a mission for health. 

I have been back at for about 2 weeks now and although there has been some growing pains of figuring out what exercising in a chair is like. Like trying to balance not lifting too much weight (and bulking up, not ideal for a girl), plus not wanting to working out my arms every single day. It is slowly working out and I really am happy that I finally got myself back to myself a little more since the accident.

For those who are curious. This is where I am working out and they have accessible equipment!

Quickly my point is to anyone who is struggling with putting themselves out there/being true to who they are. I know this example is small but it is a lesson I have had to learn over and over again since being paralyzed. Very few times can I say that I got burned putting myself out there, even though if I was burned it was still an experience that I learned and grew from. Don't be afraid to fail because even in failure there is still a lesson to be learned. Whether we want to learn that lesson or not. And I can say most times I have been dragged through a lesson kicking and screaming but it was always for the better.

How Accessible is an Accessible Hotel Room?

Traveling is a wonderful thing and I don't know many people who don't enjoy doing it. However for me traveling can be both exciting and nerve racking at the same time. You never really know how "accessible" a hotel is until you get there. Nine times out of 10 the hotels are what I like to think is the absolute bare minimum the law requires accessible. Many times I find myself looking at the room and questioning how the hell anyone thought this was accessible. Not to mention a lot of the touristy things aren't really accessible. So planning a trip is a dance of trying to find what is going to be the most accessible, affordable, and fun. With my next vacation (going to Hawaii!) on the horizon and the hours I spent scouring the internet for information that I never found. I have decided to now write reviews of all the hotel rooms I stay in. Hoping this will maybe helpful to someone somewhere because just one time I want to go on vacation and not have the pit of worry in stomach about the accessibility of a hotel room.

On to the last hotel room I stayed in. It was at the La Quinta in Jacksonville Florida. First of all if you aren't aware of this, as we weren't, when you make a reservation with a hotel they have the right to only take your preferences into consideration. Meaning that needing a wheelchair accessible room is only a preference, I had no idea but noted. So when we arrived they informed us that the people staying the room the night before decided to stay another night meaning I had to stay in a room that didn't have the roll in shower I require. This was extremely frustrating and annoying but since it was only one night I just put up with it. Side note when my boyfriend was complaining to the front desk lady about how I wasn't going to be able to get into the shower now she actually said that she would come and help me get in the shower. I was completely weirded out by this, she was missing the point of what he was saying. Anyways back to the room...

Overall I would say it wasn't one the best nor the worst I have stayed in. Once in the wheelchair accessible room the shower had the hand held shower head along with a shower bench. That actually had a back on it and wasn't one of the those tiny ones that look like they can really only hold a person who weighs 50 lbs. The room was a little dingy smelling but I guess that comes with the territory. Not to mention the beds were pretty firm and I don't love firm. I like to sink into bed. My biggest complaint would be that the carpet from the lobby to all the rooms was so thick I was out of breath each time I had to wheel from the room to the car. I came to the conclusion that anyone with less function than me would have a real hard time with the carpet. All of the doorways had the real cracked cement leading up to the door making getting in the door not always a simple task. 

In all I would say that this room was moderately accessible and pretty affordable. For a para it wouldn't be too hard to manage but I don't know about a quad. Also the room was little tight so needing too much equipment or supplies would take up most of the room fast. I wouldn't be worried if I ever had to stay there again but I might try and find a different hotel next time.

Here are some photos, ignore the mess it was a last minute thought as we left at 6 am!

the bathroom for the door

Toilet wasn't too bad. Definitely a tight space.

This shower chair is one of the better ones I have had but it is so tiny I just don't get how hotels think this works for full grown adults! Or better the ones without the back, so hard to shower without the back! 

So the shower head had to be put down for me because I couldn't get it down myself.

One of the doorways.

The evil carpet!

Hope this is helpful to someone out there!

How Can a Lunch Date be so Scary?

I started this blog with the intentions of being as personal and open as possible. I believe this next blog is the most personal story I have shared yet...

So most who know me would say that I am a pretty strong individual (which I don't think I am necessarily stronger than anyone else) and not going to let anything stop me from living my life. Which is mostly true. I have built a life that works for me, a life I can really enjoy. But there are still moments that are intimidating. Like leaving my house and going somewhere alone. This is something I NEVER do. It is only when I am going somewhere that I am extremely familiar with (like starbucks). Other than that I pretty much always have someone with me because I usually fear the worst of falling out of my chair or being attacked in the parking lot or some other horrific thing I can dream up or running into someone who was apart of the accident. Not to mention the world is not a wheelchair friendly world. Not just buildings aren't always accessible but often I find people are extremely rude. Plus I get extremely panicky when I feel like I am going to be faced with a situation that may not be accessible because that just brings up all kinds of frustration and sad feelings that I try to avoid letting out in public (the general public think disabled people are crazy enough I don't need to reinforce that with a public melt down). So I feel like I always need a someone to reach that high shelf, carry my bags, or just make me feel safe.

Here is another story to let all the readers into my life a little more....

I have two girls from where I went to therapy that I have become really good friends with and we try to get lunch together at least once a month. We all live at least an hour away from each other (one even lives in another country) so we try to pick a location that is centrally located between us all. So this past Friday we decided to go to a restaurant in downtown Detroit. I know what everyone is thinking, there are some nice/safe parts of Detroit. Usually a trip like this I would bring my mom but I am 23 and sometimes I just don't want my mommy tagging along because I feel like a child when she has to come to a lunch that I should be able to do myself. Not that I don't love having my mom around there are just times I want to be independent. Friday was one of those days. I plugged the address of the restaurant in and off I went. Slightly nervous because I had never been to this restaurant before and unknown locations scare me. I never know how accessible they are but one of the other girls had been there and since she is in a chair I figured it had to be good otherwise she wouldn't have suggested it. Once I was a few minutes away from the place my other friend called and said she was having a hard time finding parking and asked if i knew where to park. Well that was a no on my part and that this made me very nervous because I can't just park anywhere and hop out of my vehicle. I need space for the ramp and no one to park next time me (which no one pays attention to leave me enough room). So after my GPS takes me on a cute tour of a bad neighborhood I get the restaurant and just like any other city there is no parking lot next to the restaurant. I begin to drive around fighting lunch time traffic and find a parking garage to park in. I wasn't too sure how close I was to the restaurant because driving distance and wheeling distance are two very different things. But I was just going to to have suck it up. I also didn't have any cash on me so I had to find some at some point too. I start driving around the garage and it was freaking packed. I didn't think that many people went to or worked downtown Detroit. As I am driving up the flights of parking garage I was thinking "I hope they have an elevator" "I hope I can find the restaurant" "I hope no one attacks me" "Sure hope I can find my van after". I could feel myself stressing out a bit. Okay I will be honest I was totally stressing out and really worried that I wouldn't be able to get out of the garage. I found a parking space next to an elevator, wheeled around in a direction I thought was right. Which it turned out to be the right way but the sidewalks sucked. But really sidewalks are hardly ever easy. Cracks and bumps, even the smallest of ones, I have to watch carefully because my front castors can get caught on them and I will eject out of my chair face first. Finally found the restaurant. We had a wonderful lunch at Texas de Brazil, which is delicious and I highly recommend it to everyone but go during lunch time it is expensive for dinner. I had to use an ATM to get money from and back to the parking garage I went. Less nervous this time but still a little bit worried that a raper would be there waiting for me (my mind can be a bit dramatic sometimes). There was no one waiting for me and I was able to leave just fine.

In all I was proud of myself for successfully navigating my way around without help. But I will say that I will still always have someone with me. I enjoy doing things by myself from time to time but it is way to nerve wrecking/scary to do it alone all the time. Plus if I am getting anything more than a lap full of items I need help carrying it.

Care Givers Can be a Punching Bag Sometimes

So many of who are catastrophically injured or diagnosed with debilitating disease know the importance of a good care giver. But we also know the beating a good care giver can take as well. This past Tuesday I went to the Crosby, Stills, and Nash concert (not knowing one of their songs and was definitely the youngest person there) I witnessed an interaction between a care giver and the "patient", for lack of a better word, that reminded me of so many instances between my mother and I after my injury. 

This lady was a bit older in a power wheelchair and it looked as if she had MS. I am not positive but I am assuming it. She had a women of about the same age with her who was clearly her care giver. I am not sure what their relationship was but it was closer than just some care giver hired from an agency. They were talking and laughing and have a good time for most of the evening when in the middle of the concert I noticed them to begin to have a small scuffle. The woman in the chair was having a problem with one of her legs (once again my assumption her foot was hurting from sitting in the same position for so long) and she was trying to adjust it but getting very frustrated from her lack of control. Being the good care giver she had the other lady jumped right in to help solve the situation but only seemed to make it worse. After some words exchanged back and forth and in a moment of shear frustration the woman in the chair shouted at her to "leave me alone". The care giver let her fight with the foot a bit and then calmly took her shoe off for her. Then that was it they were moments later back to laughing and enjoying themselves.

Now most would see this and assume the woman in the chair is just a bitch but really all of us who require some help from time to time have experienced this. I know my poor mom can attest to that. It isn't because we are mean or bitter (well in some cases). It is because the frustration of not being able to do such a simple task (whatever it may be) can become so overwhelming that it just bursts out at whoever is closest. And unfortunately 9 times out of 10 it is directed at the person who just wants to help. I can't tell you how many times my mom has been just trying to help with a transfer or put my clothes on where I end up losing my mind on her because I am so angry with needing the help in the first place. I have learned over the years how to control the snapping much better than in the beginning but I will say there are still moments of weakness. But more importantly I have learned to recognize why I am snapping and promptly apologize for my words to whoever was the victim. 

My point for all of this is to take a second to say thank you to all who are care givers. You play a very special roll in someone's life, whether they know it or not. Plus we as recipients of the care rarely take the time to say Thank you because although we love you/appreciate the help I know we would all prefer to not need the help. So it is hard to realize all the hard work the care giver is doing because we are working so hard just to live. Also to maybe help someone who is new to the care giving scene to know that sometimes your patients may be mean but it isn't you  it is the internal struggle they are fighting with. Most will eventually calm down and be nicer.... maybe/hopefully. 

All Graduated, Now What?!

Well now that I am all graduated the question of the hour is what is next?! First of all for those who don't know I graduated with a Bachelors of the Arts (psychology) from Lourdes University. Huge achievement but just a stepping stone in my career path. For the next year I am going to be taking some time off from school. It has been go, go, go since my accident and I figured why not give myself a break before I HAVE to join the "real world". The plan is to travel, sunbathe, read (books, not textbooks), and begin the grad school application process. Now this dang process will most likely take all year, but i can pretend like this year will be relaxing right? Word to the wise who are planning to apply to grad school make sure you take the GRE your junior year. Anyways, I have a couple of vacation planned for the next couple of months. The most important one would be our trip to Maui. I couldn't be more pumped about this 7 whole days in paradise. Once I come home I will begin to take a class for the GRE, my GPA isn't what I had hoped it would be, so I need a killer GRE score. I'll take the GRE sometime in early/mid October and all of November I will spend filling out applications, putting the finishing touches on research papers, and doing lots of praying. All of my applications are due beginning of December and then the waiting game begins. I should hear back before February and find out in April. Long time to wait but hopefully it will be all worth it.

isn't it pretty?!

Now what the heck kind of program am I applying for?! Well I will be applying to 6 different schools for their Ph.D programs. Two will be a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology and four  Ph.D in Counseling Psychology. The schools are Bowling Green, Ohio State, Western Michigan, Arizona State, University of Texas, and University of Florida. My number one school is Arizona State, obviously! But we will see what happens. I am honestly hoping that I only get into one school and that is the school I am meant to go to because if I have to decide it will be brutal. I am excited and nervous all at the same time because if I do leave the state for school it will most likely be a permanent relocation. The programs are 6 years long and will probably have set down roots in whatever city this process takes me.

Oh, I forgot to add my "career goals" are to become a psychologist (different from psychiatrist because they don't prescribe medication) and do private practice counseling. I hope to work mostly with teenagers who have been through a traumatic event and also family counseling. I could do this will just a master but I would also like to eventually become a professor and a Ph.D is needed. Not to mention I have always wanted people to have to refer to me as Dr. Stevie. So that is all of it in a nut shell. I am so excited to embark on this new journey and cannot wait to see where it takes me because I know I never could have predicted the last 5.

Six Years and Counting

As some may know this tomorrow will mark the 6 year anniversary of the car accident and Saturday will  be the anniversary of Charlie's death. I had originally planned on writing a blog the day of but I made a decision this year to not allow myself to shut the world off, like I do, and do something that day. So I will be busy but I still want to post on the feelings that seem to take over me this time of year. It feels like it starts almost a week before the anniversary. I just become sad, usually I can't pin point it to anything , just sad. Then come the tears, oh Lord I can cry so easily the days before. Like my cat could look at me funny and I would sob. It seems like no matter how prepared I feel about the days to come, they still get me. Not to mention I begin to think 6 (or however long it has been) years ago right now I could still walk or 6 years ago right now I still had my best friend here. I believe these thoughts are what make the days a little more difficult. I know that throughout the year I always have sad moments but these days are different, these days carry unbearable pain with them. It is so hard to think about the battle I had to embark on because of the events on these days. 

For some reason I thought this year would be different since I made a choice to stay active but I think they will be just as tough and I know this week has been pretty horrible. I have had all the normal nightmares night after night of losing the ones I love or being abandoned by them.  The type of nightmares that you wake up feeling bad and that ominous feeling carries with you all day. I still have hope the days will be okay because this year I am trying to celebrate the life that I have now and the life that Charlie led. Even though it was short it is still inspiring. I  am sure those days I will feel the pain of my hole in my heart but still have a smile to know I can finally say after 6 years I am a survivor and no longer fighting to survive. And for that I have to thank that red headed angel who has never left my side.

Okay I have to go do some crying now.. not bad crying but good crying.

HOBY!

As promised here is another post. Less than a week I do believe. You all should be extremely proud of my new found dedication and boring you with my stories. Haha.

Anyways, to the good stuff. This past Friday I got to go and speak to a group of very amazing soon to be juniors in high school. They were at a 4 day long seminar called HOBY. It is a leadership group that picks the best of the best students in Northwest Ohio to attend and the whole trip is a blast. I personally never was a part of the HOBY family till last year when I crossed paths with an amazing man named Steve Arnold. I like him mostly because his name is almost my name. He agreed to give me a chance and give my presentation at the 2011 HOBY weekend. I was thrilled at the chance and even more thrilled after by the kids reactions. I literally answered questions or over 40 mins and had countless kids come up after giving hugs, words of encouragement, and just expressing their appreciation of me sharing my story. This was a huge push of confidence that I needed because I am never really sure how moving my story is. I mean I am moved by it but this whole ordeal happened to me. After last year I was chomping at the bit to get back to HOBY this year anticipating the same reaction.

2011 HOBY

Boy, oh boy was I right, once again the kids loved it. I was a little more nervous than usual because most of the leaders had told the other kids that I was awesome so I had quite the reputation to live up to. Plus I had made a quick power point of pictures to help facilitate my presentation. It went smoothly, the kids asked tons of questions(my favorite part of the presentations) and all expressed the appreciation. Not to mention the interest of having me come to their schools, which is the best compliment I could ever get. Had some dinner with the kids, was able to chat with a few who sat with me. All in all it was a really nice time. Completely encouraging to see young people who have so much potential in life and are actually choosing to be productive members of society.

Now even though I had amazing time, I still somehow managed to have a paralyzed moment. I hate these moments. They seem to come when I am on top of the world just to bring reality of life crashing down on me. As we were leaving I noticed that I was having a really bad foot spasm. This only means one thing, potty time. And by the way my foot was freaking out it was an immediate potty time. I rushed to the nearest handicap bathroom ( not always the first bathroom) transferred to the toilet. No sooner did I get on the toilet I heard little tinkle noises. DAMN IT! I peed my pants. Now this is a "normalish" thing for a paralyzed person. We can't feel when it is time and even though we are on a schedule nature has other plans occasionally. So now I am in this public bathroom urine soaked pants an hour and a half away from home. Thank the Lord my mom always travels with me for moments such as these. She went to grab the back up pants kept in the van so that I didn't soak pee all over my chair and so we don't have to smell pee the whole way home. Mom hurried back and of course since I got the new van I forgot to put the back up clothes bag back. Luckily I had some giant goodwill looking sweats in the front on their way to be donated and thats what I got to wear home. Cleaned myself up and headed home.

I am not completely sure why I felt like I needed to write this post but I am guessing it is because when I started the blog I wanted my true and real life to be exposed for people to learn and grow from. I have always been very open with my wheelchair mishaps. Feels better to be honest about it than pretend it doesn't happen. The peeing my pants doesn't ruin my days like it did before and I can usually take it in stride. It most definitely didn't ruin my excitement about the day, just a reminder of what my life is and will be most likely forever. I don't want a pitty party or anyone to feel bad for me. Just realize that it isn't just not being able to walk there is so much more that goes into life in a chair. And if you are in a chair don't be embarrassed by those moments they happen, you didn't do it on purpose. As one of my favorite quotes go "Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter." It is scary how true that statement is.

Losing a Toenail Sucks.

In the beginning of this blog I decided I wanted to open the eyes of many to the life that I lead. I have noticed that most of my posts are slightly depressing or at least some would perceive them as that. But my life is very full of happy moments.With some moments of sadness and frustration. But don't we all? That being said moving on to the topic of the night.

I wanted to take some time to talk a little bit about how very important walking is to the human body. It is amazing to see how much my body has been effected since being paralyzed. There are loads of little stuff that is majorly effected by not being upright. A few months after the accident my mom and I noticed that I kept getting ingrown toenails (sick, I know!) It seemed like no matter what we did the issue wouldn't go away. After battling them for over a year I went to a pediatrist to see what his opinion was. What he told me made me realize just how much maintenance my body would be from now on. According to him because I am not up walking everyday putting pressure on my feet that it causes the actual toe nail to curl under and constantly cause ingrown toenails. I thought to myself so you mean to tell me that standing up even effects the shape of our toenails?! It is crazy to think just how dependent each tiny little part is to the bigger picture.

I had to have surgery on my toes to cut the sides and restitch them to the skin. They took forever to heal because of the lack of circulation in my legs (no muscle contractions to move the blood around, causes yet another health problem). The surgery was almost 5 years ago and my left toenail has never been the same but I just figured that was just the way it was. About 2 months ago I noticed a little black spot under my toenail and thought it was just nail polish I didn't get all the way off. After putting it off and the spot getting bigger I made a doc appointment. Welp, I am probably going to lose the nail for good and the black spot was a fungus. Awesome. Apparently after the surgery my nail never reattached to skin and somehow the fungus made it's way under the nail and made itself a home. Most of the nail had to be cut away to expose the fungus. Twice a day I have to apply oil based something to kill it, the doc said this may take months (another awesome fact). I know it is just a nail and who really cares in the big picture but it is just one of those moments where I want to scream. I hate having to constantly pay attention to any little tiny change in a body part that I can't feel because that little cut or bruise can lead to a much bigger problem. I also realize anyone can get a fugues in their toenail but I am sure if I could feel my toe I would have noticed that the nail had lifted away but I didn't and now here we are.

Moral of the story? My all time favorite DON'T TAKE THE LITTLE THINGS FOR GRANTED, especially your health. Because our health is all we have and who knows when our bodies will need that extra TLC.

Side note, I plan to begin posting weekly if not more and I can promise most of the will be complaining about the stupid grad school application process. Have a Happy Week!

Finally a Show Dedicated to Women in Wheelchairs!

Alright, so I heard about this new series Push Girls, a few months ago. But a friend recently brought the series back to my attention. I checked out the "First Look Video" and my excitement can barely be contained right now. These women seem to be on the very same mission myself and some many other women I know in chairs are on! The link to the website is HERE, check it out. I swear it is worth the time. Like I said I am super psyched. My new mission is to be the next Push Girl, Michigan/Ohio installment.

This is short and sweet, promise to give another blog very soon!

I'm Back and all Fired Up!!

Can't believe it has been over a month since my last post but time flies when you are having your soul sucked away by college... well sort of. I know everyone is probably thinking this is a post about my last few weeks of school but its not. I am in need of some venting, so here it goes...

As I have mentioned before and is echoed by most paralyzed folk handicap parking is annoying. The people who don't deserve placards, people who don't have one and park there anyway, and finally the most infuriating people who park in the lines. I am under the assumption that most don't know what the lines mean so let me inform you. The lines aren't just there for you to have extra space to swing the door wide open or park in, they actually serve a very critical purpose. Some who are in chairs have lifts that come out the passenger side of their vans which need extra "loading" space. Also people who transfer in and out of the driver seat need the extra space to assemble their wheelchairs and do their business. Alright that being said, on to yet another one of my enjoyable adventures.

My mom and I did grocery shopping today, which I don't totally love doing anyways because people gawk at me. On our way out we watched a man (in his mid-forties) whip into the handicap parking spot next to mine. Now I will admit that I was already judging him for not"looking handicapped" and parking in a handicap space. I know it is rude and you can't judge a book by its cover but it is human nature. So as he is finishes parking I thought it was a joke because at this point I had already opened my ramp and he literally parked diagonal is his space. Half of his front end was in the lined space, giving me just enough room to get in my van. I gave him this look of disbelief and threw my hand up. He made eye contact with me smiled, hopped right out of his Lexus, looked at my ramp and walked away. I was shocked I couldn't even say anything (moments like that I wish I was quicker at speaking up but I am usually so blind with frustration I can't think of anything). I also noticed he was wearing scrubs, and walking just fine. Mom and I packed up the groceries, left him a kind little note and left. Now looking back I should have stayed and confronted him because I am so sick of people thinking they can do anything they want with little to no regard for others.

This is a No No

Also a No No

I can't even begin to express the frustration when someone blocks me in or prevents me from using a Van Accessible spot because they parked in the lines. They need to realize those spots are literally the only spots I can park in. I can't just park wherever, I need the extra space for my ramp. Not to mention how freaking dangerous it is for me to wheel through parking lots, I am at the level of a small child and we all know how little people pay attention in parking lots. So anyways, pay attention people have some curtesy for others. The world doesn't revolve around you.

Side note, anyone who has something to say about how you can't see everyone's handicap, please keep it to yourself. You have no clue just how frustrating it is to be unable to do something because of the inconsideration of others. I will never back down on my opinion of most of the people who have placards abuse the handicap parking spots.

Now ends an era

I have been debating for a few days on whether or not I wanted to write this post. Because there is so much emotion that goes into this post. Clearly I have decided to post it anyways. My reasoning is because when I started this blog I set out to allow my good and bad times help guide someone else who may be experiencing the same thing. So here is a very raw and real post....

Therapy, for anyone who knows me knows that therapy has been my life for the past 5 years. I have dedicated 2-3 days a week for the past 5 years (and one month) to drive to Detroit to go to the Center for Spinal Cord Injury Recovery. Each session lasting for 3 hours. This place has been a sanctuary for me, a place that is safe. There are others like me who I can joke, vent, and just relate to on a level that anyone who isn't in this situation can. I remember some of my first days at the CSCIR, it was heaven. Meeting people who just saw me, they didn't see my chair. They didn't see me as the poor little girl who got in that car accident. They saw Stevie Beale a scared 18 year old who is funny, bright, and so much to still live for. It was there that I finally realized that I could have a LIFE after being paralyzed. A career, marriage, children, and happiness where all still possible for me. In the beginning I had no idea just how much the facility was going to help guide my path to independence. Over the years I have worked my ass off setting goals and achieving them. I have shed sweat, tears, and luckily very little blood there. I owe this place so much and the staff will always hold a special place in my heart.

This is one of my favorites.

All that being said, I am hurting right now because I was told last Friday that I was no longer able to come to the program anymore. It was soul crashing news, the staff and patients have become my family. It all started about a year ago when my PT let me know that I wasn't making progress and if I didn't start then I wasn't going to qualify for the program anymore. This news came from left field because at that time I had been at the program for over 4 years and in all that time no one had ever told me you had to qualify for the program. I let her know that I still had a goal of walking down the aisle to achieve. And since I am not engaged I obviously don't when that will be. So she told me I had to begin working harder on my walking if I wanted to continue in the program. I agreed to work with my braces more but still feeling extremely betrayed. It has been tough for me this year knowing that every time I came I was being watched and judged that if I didn't make the progress then I had to go and nothing would have been more devastating to me. It has also been a tough year with family issues and I seem to have caught every illness that has gone around. But I tried and worked on my walking. Now you have to understand that walking with leg braces is the most frustrating thing in the world. At least for me it is. I am tight in all the wrong places and it is such a struggle just to walk a few feet. I can only take so much before I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I just want to crawl in a hole forever. In the end my hard work wasn't enough and I didn't make the progress I was supposed to. So I sit here tonight, confused on why it has happened and where to go from here. I can't not do therapy but at the same time the next closest place I would consider going is a 2 hour drive one way. I could workout at home with a trainer but I don't have the space. I am just so sad I want to stay there, I want to be there but they say they aren't a maintenance program and that is (according to them) what I need. My insurance is willing to continue to pay for me to be there and they have open spaces so I just don't see why I had to go, why I was forced to leave a place I love so much. But I guess that is life and I will just have to pick myself up once a again and carry on.

Now I know some will read this and think negative things about the program but please don't. I still love them and would recommend them to anyone with a spinal cord injury who needs a good place for therapy. I am just being open and honest with the hardships that I still continue to experience.

Courage Award

WOW, these past 2 weeks have been hectic to say the least. So lets get on it and update you guys on this thing I call life.

So on March 8th most of you know I was honored (among other amazing people) at the Heart of Champions Gala put on by the Rehabilitation Institute of Michigan. It is a fund raiser for the hospital they put on every year. I had attended it once a few years ago, not receiving and award just supporting a hospital that has given me so much. Anyways this was a crazy day because the night before I had just gotten home from driving 16 hours in one day. We arrived home at 1:30am and I was exhausted but naturally couldn't sleep to save my life that night. Back to the day of, I did the girl stuff you do on days you are going to a formal event. Bought my shoes, make up, and nail polish last minute, got my hair did and waxed the furry things I call eye brows. Once I was all prettied up, my momma was looking HOTT, and Jman was looking like a dapper gentleman we were off to the Fox Theatre. That meant yet another hour in the car just to get there, ugh. But we arrived in one piece ready for a great night.

Now I should take this time to express one of the biggest battles I face when getting dressed up. Shoes. It is a severe love hate relationship with me and shoes. I see shoes all the time I LOVE and wish I could own but because of my contracture type thing on my right ankle, meaning my right foot is constantly pointing down and the ankle rolls. So when buying shoes I have to take this into consideration. That being said I have a weakness for heels, I just love them and since being paralyzed I haven't found one pair that work for me. They fall off my foot plate, cause both ankles to roll and look like they are about to snap, and instantly cause my knees to act like repelling magnates, but I continue to buy them. Needless to say I had this problem with the banging heels I bought for the gala. Hopefully someday I/someone will make a foot plate that will make all these problems disappear and give heels back to all wheelchair girls.

Back to the gala we arrived I had some shoe problems of course and had to tie my legs together with rope (something I always do when wearing a skirt/dress with heels, don't want to give anyone the money shot for free). Some of my trainers where there along with all kinds of important hospital people. Began to eat and wow the food was great! I couldn't stuff my face though because I was getting ready to go on stage and can't have a bloated belly on stage. We went back stage to await receiving our awards. I actually enjoyed the backstage part a lot because I got a chance to chat with Brendan (a detroit firefighter paralyzed on duty, also receiving the courage award). I hadn't had the chance to chat with him much at therapy and I always love getting to know other patients, we have such amazing stories that I love hearing. They showed my video, made fun of me for being a Buckeye fan and then presented me with the award. I took the time to thank my therapists for all they have done and how much love I have for the program/hospital. Finished the night with some yummy dessert and then made the long trip back.

The night flew by way too fast. I completely enjoyed myself and felt so honored to be recognized for living a life I love living so much. Thank you DMC.

The shoes were behaving here.

Brendan receiving his award

FLORIDA!!!!!

Oh my my my, it has been a very long time since my last post. I am so disappointed in myself that I have let that much time pass. Anyways I hope you can all forgive me and enjoy this post. So the past few weeks have been a whirl wind of days. Between trying to keep up on school work, preparing for the pageant, getting ready for florida, preparing for the DMC Gala, and fighting a bit of depression I have barely found time to waste on pinterest.


I'll start with the Florida trip. Goodness it was a much needed vacation to the sunshine. The original plan was to drive down for a week and visit the boyfriend's brother as well as soaking up some sun but since I was picked to receive the Courage Award we had to cut the trip short, which we didn't mind. So instead we decided to just go for 5 days. As some know we left Friday in the middle of the worst tornado weather in years. Yep we drove right through Kentucky when the worst of it was going through. I was terrified and not doing a good job at hiding it lol. We actually did have a casualty, the temp tag on my van was sucked right off. We drove the whole trip with not license plate and not once did we get pulled over, thank you Jesus. After driving 8 hours in storms and pitch black highways we called it a night just outside Knoxville. Woke up late the next morning, set my alarm for PM not AM. Smooth I know. The next day we spent 8 more hours on the road driving through down pours of rain with probably less than a 1/2 mile of visibility. That was loads of fun. But alas we arrived in the sunshine state and it was 84 degrees :) We met Jared's brother and his girlfriend in St. Augustine for the haunted pub crawl. Got to the hotel room for the night and all I wanted to do was shower but we quickly found out that the shower would have to wait because they had to locate a shower chair and it was a bath tub. I didn't say anything there because we were there for just one night, plus I hadn't taken a bath in years. We headed down to the haunted pub crawl grabbed some dinner and then went ghost hunting. At first I wasn't on board with the ghost deal at all but I was wrong. I actually had so much fun, the guide did an amazing job making sure everything was accessible and that I was getting the same experience as the whole group. The next morning we headed up to Jacksonville and checked into our hotel. And this is where the real fun started. We checked in at the front desk she gave us our rooms and we headed up to check things out. Jared quickly informed me they gave us the standard Handicap accessible room instead of the Wheelchair accessible room. To most the difference doesn't matter but being in a chair I clearly need the wheelchair accessible room. Basically the only difference is the bathroom, a wheelchair accessible room has a roll in shower with a shower bench and hand held shower head. Or at least they are supposed to. So I went back down to the front desk informed the girl I reserved a wheelchair accessible room and that wasn't what she gave me. I told her I needed the roll in shower, the bench, and the hand held shower head. She checked the next room and informed me they didn't have any rooms with the hand held shower head. We decided to take the room and I would just have to figure it out. I asked the girl to bring the shower bench because once again I needed to shower ASAP and that I would like to speak with her boss. The front desk girl called and told me that they didn't own a shower bench and her boss told her to ask me if a lawn chair would work? At this point I was furious because you will never know how frustrating it is to constantly be told something is wheelchair accessible and it isn't. Not to mention I for once want to go somewhere and not have the constant smack in the face of "oh hey you are in a wheelchair and life is difficult". It would be lovely to not have to deal with that for once. Anyways Jared spoke to the owner ( because I was about to cry and didn't want to talk to him) and he tried to tell us he was in complete compliance. Which he wasn't I spoke with an attorney and he confirmed my thought. The boss was a total ASS just arrogant and could careless about the inconvenience I was experiencing. Eventually they found a shower bench somewhere and came to their senses and put a temporary hand held shower head in. It wasn't the best but better than what I started with. But at no point did we ever get an apology or any compensation for our frustration. So in all don't ever stay at the Four Points Hotel in Jacksonville. After that mess, we got on with our vacation. The next day we decided to do tourist stuff. We hit up the outlet malls, went to Harry's Seafood bar and grill back in St. Augustine (sooo yummy) and then just walked around the downtown area of St. Augustine. It isn't the most accessible town but it is the oldest city in the US, so I guess it can slide. It was so nice to be outside in short sleeves and having the sunshine beat down on me.

The Castillo de San Marcos

View from the gun deck

We decided to hit the Castillo de San Marcos, an old spanish fort. I also found out that by being disabled I get free access to all federally owned sites. That was very cool. So we went in looked around and tried to find an elevator so I could go the gun deck..... but guess what there isn't one. Figures the one part of the whole fort I wanted to go to, isn't accessible. But having the most amazing boyfriend that I do, he looked his other brother who drove down with us and said lets take her up. Jared is always hell bent on making sure I get to experience everything everyone else does, it is part of what makes me love him so much. I never feel like a burden or like I am missing out with him being around. Back to the story, they carried me up and boy I was so happy they did. The site was breath taking, looking out to the atlantic ocean. Just gorgeous. 






Later that night we hit up the bar, cut loose and had to sleep in the next day. Jared and I have a thing we always like to do when going on vacation, we like to hit up any restaurant that have been on Man vs Food or Diners, Drive ins, and Dives. So we found the Metro Diner, which we tried to go there the first day but the wait was over an hour, but this time we sat right down. Oh my was this food good. I had a burger and it was probably the best I've ever had! After stuffing our faces off to the beach we went. We drove for about 5 minutes looking for a guard shack to get a beach wheelchair. Yet another thing most don't know, wheelchairs can't wheel through sand. They have special chairs that all beaches are required to provide for those who need it. Finally we found a guard shack Jared went in asked for the chair and it was broken. And the next closest one was over a half hour away. Well that totally figured with how the trip was going. We parked and once again awesome boyfriend mode kicked in, he and his brother carried me out to the hard sand (where I can wheel around). So as they were carrying me out we passed a group of grown men standing and talking. As we passed one of the guys said very loudly, "That's one thing I don't miss, wheelchairs." We kept walking but I just felt like screaming are you serious idiot? What would possess someone to say that in front of me? People can be so rude and annoying sometimes. Finally made it to the beach and it was wonderful.. I could have sat there all day and watched the water. 

We stayed for a few hours then drove back down to St. Augustine to hit up the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. We ended our last night there with dinner with Justin and went to bed early because we were doing the 16 hour drive in one day because of the Gala. It was a long drive home and the last 2 hours were the hardest. But we made it and I had so much fun. Also I wish it could have lasted longer. 


Wow this is long! And probably pretty boring, but I want you all to walk away with realizing that when things aren't accessible that it really does affect us. I wish business owners would understand that just because they are or may think the are ADA compliant it the effort to go above and beyond to make sure your establishment is really convenient for those who use wheelchairs can make all the difference in our day and the likeliness we will come back. 

Bad News Delivered

Beep.... Beep... Beep... Muffled voices, sterile smell. "Whats is going on? Where am I? Why can't I move? What are all these tubes attached to me?!" I thought as I slowly gain consciousness, I could feel myself trying to move my legs but nothing moved.... Suddenly vague memories of CAT scans, X-Rays, doctors, nurses, crying, and fear. Then it hit me like a TON of bricks, the accident. I realized I must have been hurt, but why is this tube down my throat and why does EVERYTHING hurt. Once again I slowly slip back into a deep deep sleep. For what seems like years I am in and out seeing crying faces full of fear. Finally I wake up with a little more coherence, I see my dad looking me in the eyes. His eyes were full of worry. He immediately says to me "No matter what anybody tells you, you are going to WALK again." What? Of course I will walk again? I thought but didn't have the energy to inquire what he was talking about, I had a message I need him to deliver. I said, "okay Dad, can you tell Charlie he is still my best friend and tell the driver I forgive him." His reply was of course and once again I drift slowly away.

Now questions fill my head. "Where is everyone, is Charlie okay, am I okay, whats going on?" Because I was a on a ventilator I couldn't ask any of these questions. I began to motion for a pen and paper, feverishly writing my questions I could see the horror in my family's eyes as I ask the questions they didn't want to answer. With each question came no answer the reply was always "Don't worry about it hunny, go back to sleep" with a fake reassuring smile, then enters a nurse with a syringe to put me back to sleep. This happens hundreds of times it seemed like before I finally just gave up asking and focused on getting that damn tube out of my throat. By this time I was breathing faster than the vent and it was choking me. Two days had passed since the accident, but I had lost all concept of time.

Just after my vent was removed. Pretty positive my mom and Aunt sissy hadn't left the hospital yet.

Day 3ish

My vent was finally removed, it was a glorious moment, now I could talk and that meant they had to answer my questions. But everyone continued to avoid me, I couldn't figure it out. Why can't I feel my legs, what is this huge incision on my stomach, why is there this huge IV port in my neck, where are my friends, is anyone else hurt, why hasn't Charlie come to talk to me... all these questions stumped me, yet no answers. Finally my dad and three other men walk into my room. All with a very grim look on their face, I recognized the men as pastors, but what was going on? My dad told me, " I have something to tell you...." and at that very moment he delivered news that sent my world crashing down on me. Charlie was dead, he didn't make it through surgery, that day was his showing and they hadn't told me because the doctors felt I was too unstable to handle the news. I could feel everything weighing down on me. I couldn't comprehend what the words meant, how would I survive without my best friend? At the same moment I decided I had to survive, I had to fight for him. I felt a single tear run down my face, I told my dad "okay" then closed my eyes and sunk into a deep sleep. I had an answer to a question but still had many left to still ask. Yet I couldn't careless about these questions anymore. How could it get worse than this, I don't have my best friend anymore. Nothing mattered.

The days fade together and I can remember the floods of friends, family, and doctors in and out of my room. All the visitors made the days easier, with their smiles and warm wishes. I had visits from the police asking me what happened and telling me they were looking for the man who was chasing us. At that point I didn't care, I just wanted to go home. I wanted Charlie back. I wanted my friends who were in the car that night to visit but they weren't. And I couldn't figure out why they weren't coming to see me. Still I didn't know what the days ahead held. I still couldn't feel my legs and now I felt like thousands of needles were stabbing me, not to mention the constant fever and inability to eat anything. I had nightly wound cleaning (that would last the entire summer). Oh the excruciating pain while they ripped the staples out of my stomach and begin to scrape around the inside of the incision because of an infection.

All of my beautiful wounds.

I was still in the ICU getting more and more stable with each hour. I began to get fitted for a back brace that I was told I would have to wear anytime I wanted to sit. I couldn't figure out why I would have to wear that but by this point I was over asking questions, I was just going through the motions.

The evil TLSO. This was right after they put it on me.

Day 5ish

The TLSO was finally made and someone brought it for a fitting. As they strapped it too me I could feel my skin pinching between the plastic, I scream blood murder. I refused to try and put it back on, I was in enough pain I didn't need anymore! So in walked a nurse with that damned syringe and out I go. Next thing I know I am waking up with the back brace on and a PT waiting for me. She informs me it is time to try and sit up. Try? Well of course I can sit up, I have been doing it for years! They slowly heave me up and the room begins to instantly spin, I feel a wave a heat crash over my body and than boom.... vomit. I had to be laid back down, I didn't even make it 5 minutes. But for some reason they were still impressed and said it will be an adjustment but you will get there. Get where? I mean yeah my life is over because my best friend is dead but I will heal from this.

Day 7ish

Everyone was raving about this doctor who would be visiting me in a few days to help me "adjust". Adjust? There it was again, adjust to what? I'll heal physically and be fine right? Wrong. I am not sure when or how but one day I figured it out, why everyone was so sad. It wasn't just the death of Charlie, it was the horrible fact I was paralyzed. I had no idea what that meant but that is what I was. I remember thinking I would never have a life, never leave my house, and I would forever be in pain. The doctor finally came. She came with an opening line of "well you will at least be able to still have kids". "WHAT, WHAT THE HELL!!? I don't give a shit about kids! I am 17, I want my best friend back and how am I supposed to live in a chair? Babies where the last thing on my mind, I wanted to know if I would ever be able to not poop myself. If I would forever have to wear a diaper. Not to mention who would ever want to have a baby with me?! I was a pathetic girl in a wheelchair now". My dad kicked her out of the room and banned her from ever coming near me again. What she said blew my mind. It was ludicrous to think I would ever have a life outside of this, besides I don't want a life. I just want to lay in my bed forever and sleep.

So thats it, everything I knew and lived for was gone in one night... I will never see Charlie again, don't get to go to his funeral, no more sports, never date again, live at home forever, and thats it I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR...